Garri is expensive because youre watching porn apparently.

Of Porn, Garri, and Nigeria’s Government Logic.

Nigeria, my beloved country where the government wakes up every morning and plays a round of “What Can We Do Today That Absolutely No One Asked For?” And this time around, they hit the jackpot: a ban on pornography to save the economy. Because clearly, the reason you can’t afford garri is that too many people are watching naked bodies online.

I mean, forget policy. Forget strategy. Let’s focus on the real enemy of national progress, pornhub.

The House of Representatives gathered, as they often do, not to discuss the crippling inflation, not to solve the doctor and lecturer exodus, not to reduce the price of fuel or the mystery surrounding how rice became more precious than gold, but to boldly declare that Nigerians must stop watching porn. Yes, this is the battle they have chosen. Our lawmakers have turned into the nation’s spiritual uncles. How ironic?

An interesting brilliant woman during an interview, summed it up beautifully. She asked, “What does porn have to do with dollar being expensive? How does banning porn reduce the price of garri? What’s the link between someone watching porn and cassava not growing in Benue?” The government, of course, has no answer. They never do. They simply press their agbada to their chests and say things like, “We must protect our values,” while flying first class to conferences that achieve nothing except increasing their estacode.

You see, in Nigeria, the government loves a good distraction. They’re experts in misdirection. While citizens are asking, “Why can’t I afford bread anymore?” the government replies, “Because of indecent content on the internet.” They’ve taken the ancient art of gaslighting and made it governance.

We’ve seen this before. When women protest harassment, they say it’s because they wear short skirts. When youth protest police brutality, they say we’re high on drugs. Now that garri has become gourmet, it must be porn’s fault. Everything and everyone is to blame except the people actually in power.

Let’s mock this properly: if banning porn will save the economy, then by all means, block Netflix too, those romantic scenes are dangerous. Cancel wedding parties, there’s too much touching. Shut down Instagram while at it, too many curvy influencers. Let’s go full Taliban and see if that brings down the price of tomatoes.

Because the problem is not morality. It’s mismanagement. It’s corruption with a straight face and a budget line. It’s a system where billions disappear into invisible pockets, and senators who do nothing earn more than professors who teach everything.

The price of garri and other food produce is high because our farmers are abandoned, our roads are a nightmare, and transportation costs are criminal. It’s high because insecurity has made farming a death sentence. It’s high because governance, in this country, is often just a photo op followed by silence.

But sure, let’s blame porn. Why not?

We are ruled by men who think TikTok dances are more dangerous than poverty. Who respond to inflation with sermons. Who treat leadership like Sunday school and forget they were elected to fix roads, not police wet dreams.

So, while our government continues its national mission of “Let’s do nothing but sound holy,” the rest of us will continue to do what Nigerians do best: hustle, laugh, cry, survive, and write articles like this to remember that we’re not mad, the country is.

And maybe, just maybe, if we’re lucky, the price of garri will come down when the next committee decides to ban mouth kissing.